Hey kid, you know who else is a stone? George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln, to name a few. I mean, those guys are freakish stone heads bulging out of the side of a mountain, and Americans devote a whole day to them! And aren’t I way more important than any of those guys?
(Just a hint: The answer’s yes. Ahaha!)
And to answer your second question, isn’t it obvious? I keep answering questions cause you bonebags keep asking them! Like, oh—oh man, take a look at this one:
Oh, geez, where do I begin?
Eh, I’ll just name off a few of my favorites:
George Washington asked for a strong country where everyone was free to party. So I gave him political parties! Poor George regretted those ‘til the day he died, haha, but not me! After all, what’s more chaotic than a good ol’ presidential debate?
I…literally cannot think of a single more chaotic thing. Seriously.
Thomas Jefferson called me in to get his vice president out of his hair—said that pesky old Aaron Burr was constantly messing around with his political business and stealing his left shoes. Sure, I got the guy outta the picture, but at the cost of, like, Alexander Hamilton’s life (whoopsie!), heaps of judicial funds after the Burr guy was charged with conspiracy, and, well, most of Jefferson’s digestive health.
Stress ulcers…man, how do you mortals cope with those things?
Good ol’ Teddy Roosevelt rang me one day, said his progressive party efforts were dwindling and he was looking for “more attention on the Bull Moose.” So I only did what he asked: Y’know, warp the vision of random blockheads on the street to see him as a literal bull moose passing by! Ha!
You can imagine how much that helped his approval rating when half his speech attendees saw him as a woodland creature. (Spoiler alert: It’s the only thing that kept him from winning that term! Haha! Poor guy.)
And last but not least, Abraham Lincoln came to me one day outta sheer boredom. Guy said things were so dull that wasn’t even looking forward to the play at Ford’s Theatre he was on his way to see. In the end, all he asked was that I make that night’s play one to remember!
…Well, we all know how that turned out!
In the end, they all got what they wanted, and so did I! Heck, I deserved to have a little fun with it, right? Y’know, for so graciously helping them out with their troubles!
Oh, did I mention in the end that I turned them all into
stone? Just for laughs! Literally no
other reason! Hahah!
If you didn’t catch on, I’m talking Rushmore.
That’s literally them.
One of America’s biggest tourist attractions is literally four tormented presidents enlarged and petrified in stone until the end of time.
…Man, aren’t you glad I’m still answering questions for you guys?
Oh, my…Why, Stanford—I mean, Stanley, whoopsie—He…he didn’t tell ya? ‘Course, he probably thought th’ whole incident was no big deal, but believe me, folks, our rivalry started over way more’n a petty lil’ business spat, hoo boy!
No…it started with that old man…AN’ A DANG JUMBO-SIZED CHILI DOG.
See, Th’ Tent’f Telepathy is actually a pretty recent
attraction, mind you! Sure, I got myself
a reputation real quick jus’ by bein’ my own peachy lil’ self, but I’ll admit
this place ain’t as dusty or ancient as th’ Shack.
So when I started settin’ up shop…it was about a year before th’ Pines twins arrived, if you’re lookin’ for exact times…Dear Stanley already had a bone t’pick with me, lemme tell ya!
Now, for those’ve you who don’t know, right next t’my old man’s auto shop is this odd lil’ café specializin’ in chili dogs and Reuben sandwiches. It’s been around for decades. Mascot’s a turtle. They got free wifi but only on Tuesdays.
Literally nothin’ about it makes any sense t’me, but then again, neither does anythin’ else in this crazy town, am I right? Y’got me!
Anyways, every weekday I had t’walk past that ol’ place on
my way home from school ‘n all. I could ignore
th’ smell’f sauerkraut n’ turtle wax, sure, but one day in particular, I just
couldn’t ignore this wrinkly old farmhog’f a man scarfin’ down chili dogs right
outside like there was no tomorrow.
An’ remember, I’m just standin’ there, mindin’ my own business, a completely innocent bystander, y’got that?! When all of a sudden this guy shouts back towards the shop for ‘em to “put it on his tab,” and’f course—innocent bystander, remember?—I turn my head, thinkin’ he’s talkin’ t’me.
Well, wouldn’t y’know it, our eyes meet, we both freeze, and next thing I know, HE HURLS HIS LAST REMAININ’ CHILI DOG AT ME.
And now, I was irate about a lotta things in that moment. Th’ chili in my perfectly snow-white hair, th’ bun crumbs now all ichy up inside m’collar…but let me…lemme tell ya…there was one thing in particular that made every drop’f my blood boil.
TH’ HOT DOG ITSELF WAS PROTRUDIN’ OUTTA MY LEFT EAR.
Course, my adorin’ public rushed to my side, and Stan Pines’s local approval ratin’ only went down, but still, can you imagine that humiliation?! My ear smelled like sausage for a full week after, dangit!
So you see, he started it! I didn’t do a lick’a harm (besides takin’ half’f his customers, that is), but he completely started it! And it was that incident gave me my epiphany that Stan Pines an’ I were gonna be enemies FOR LIFE!!!
Course, everythin’s different now, of course, hehe! We’ve both done things we ain’t proud of, but I’m willin’ t’let bygones be bygones. I’m a changed Gideon Gleeful, remember?
Course, not gonna lie…gettin’ back at him with those tomatoes on Pioneer Day felt pretty good…
Felt…felt real good…heh…
…I don’t suppose any of y’all know if Stan’s ears’re too big t’lodge a chili dog in, right?
Greetiiiiiiiiiings, everyone! And yes, as I’ve informed Grunkle Ford very recently, kids in this dimension do say greetings, so I can say it as much as I want! Greetings, greetings, greetings!
After our super long hiatus, we are finally back! And to make up for lost time, we’ve planned so much awesome stuff for all of you. Stuff that’s so awesome, I can’t present it all by myself! Take it away, my trusted amigos!
Oh, heh, I guess I’m the first of Mabel’s “trusted amigos” or whatever…
But yeah! Uh, first things first, I’m happy to let you know that we’ll be answering a new question for you guys every day this week! Hopefully from then on out we can get back to a regular schedule, but at least that should make up for our recent radio silence!
So yeah, like, stick around for lots of cool stuff all through Saturday!
Oh, and, uh, as they say on that Owl Trowel infomercial that keeps coming on our TV for some reason: “Wait, that’s not all!”
Geez, okay, that was ch eesy.
Eh, alright, guess it’s my turn…after that stunnin’ infomercial performance from ol’ Dipster back there. Nice work.
But, meh, the kid’s right, that isn’t all. We’re just gettin’ started!
So y’know how it’s been nearly a year since those kiddos finished up their summer and headed back home, huh? Well, t’celebrate the anniversary of that amazin’ last day–and kickin’ some triangle butt–we’re puttin’ a super exclusive item back on the market!
For those of you who didn’t get a chance t’grab a piece of “Gravity Falling” merchandise last year, we’re bringin’ it back for a super limited time, only available ‘til February 15th! After that it’s gone for good, and I mean it!
So grab yourself a shirt, phone case, notebook, you name it, folks! Your money is my happiness!
I mean, happiness. Your happiness is my happin ess. Or somethin’ like that.
Oh, hey dudes! Last amigo on the case: It’s me, Soos!
Oh, yeah, my announcement. Well, y’see dawgs, mine is super under wraps and all that mysterious stuff, but I still can give you, like, the vague details.
Three words: Art, contest, and keep-in-mind-your-favorite-post-from-TheMysteryShack-cause-that’s-gonna-come-in-handy-in-the-future-dude!
But yeah! While those three mystery words aren’t gonna make much sense t’you for a good while, just keep ‘em in mind! Or like, on a sticky note or somethin’.
Dude, have y’seen those neon sticky notes that glow so bright it’s like your eyes’re on fire? Man, I love those things, dude!
And last of all, thanks to everybody who stuck around and waited so patiently for us to come back! We know waiting can be like a trudge in the lame-sludge, so it means so much that you all are still with us and excited for more askblog adventures! Plus, now I finally have some people to share this glitter pizza with!
Hehe, it’s good to
–The Mystery Shack Crew–
KWFM YICF UWLSJTWFE, KY RFOSJT
DPICQPD DPOE VLIQ PWT UFWEPST WJT VCFJST?
ICF POWDCE KSSDE ODE SJT
UIKS NWJ 15: DPS EPWUM FSDCFJE.
Uh, hey everybody! Dipper Pines here. And yes, don’t worry–me, Mabel, and everyone else at the Shack is still very much alive.
Well, uh, to an extent. Turns out some of those Lilliputtian guys actually followed us to Piedmont and tried to beat us with golf clubs in our sleep? So yeah, not fun.
But yeah, I know what you guys are thinking…”Are you still gonna answer the rest of the questions in your inbox? You’re not getting bored of the whole askblog thing, are you? Why’d you just up and vanish like a Category 8 ghost on a bad day?”
The answers to those questions are yes, no, and, uh, I can totally explain.
See, no more summer means no more summer break. And trust me, Mabel and I are up to our eyeballs in homework. Sure, I’ve handled a decent course load in the past, but like, 8th grade is rougher than I thought it’d be, man!
Turns out actually being honest in your “What I Did This Summer” essay isn’t always good enough for the more skeptical teachers. So guess who’s been rewriting that for the past four hours.
Meanwhile, Grunkle Stan and Great Uncle Ford seem totally chill with answering asks from their boat or whatever, but it seems like they’ve been pretty busy too. Apparently some kinda sea monster took a bite of their rudder the other day, so they’ve been super occupied.
Also, I can’t imagine they get very good wi-fi out there to check the askbox in the first place? So there’s that.
And of course, Soos is running the shack, Wendy, Pacifica, and all the others are back in school, like…everybody’s got a pretty full plate!
The only person in town that I can think of that isn’t busy is Toby Determined. But, I, uh, I wouldn’t let him touch this blog with a fifty-foot pole. No offense.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is we’re going on a bit of a hiatus. Sure, a lot has happened that we’d love to talk about! But until thin gs settle down for everyone, I feel like we won’t be able to give you more than one-word answers. And I mean, that’s just lame for everyone, right?
But rest assured, the blog isn’t closing down. And no, we’re not gonna disappear indefinitely and consider that a hiatus, either. We will be back, and hopefully soon! We’ve just got a lot to take care of before we do.
So yeah, guys! Thanks for being so patient and stuff. Like, seriously, that really means a lot to us. You all really are great, and I can’t wait to get back into the swing of things so we can get to all your questions! Cause trust me, ther e’s a lot to get to.
‘Til then, stay tuned, y’know?
We’ll see you soon!